Wednesday morning, after losing the lottery again

Hi Guys. That last post was even depressing to me. What the heck do they put in those corn flakes? Whatever it is, as I said in my facebook page, it isn't strong enough. Today I didn't have to make the big decision on whether or not to go to work. It was below zero when I woke up, and while I knew it would eventually get to the teens, I just couldn't face going out in it. My feet and lower calves are still cold from yesterday's bout with being in the weather all day. I put off getting ready until a bit of gastric distress made up my mind for me. No Work Today. Not Happening. Things must change dramatically before I will make any type of foray into the world. A tether it is. Probably to the person who just picks up on this, it may seem all too whiny, and self absorbed. And, possibly it is. My excuse is a bout with prostate cancer that has taken me on an inward journey for the last few years. I was diagnosed with stage 4, level-seven cancer from results of a biopsy after blood tests confirmed elevated PSA readings. In brief: I had an operation, which put my emotions in check, and hurt a bit to boot. Then it was OK for a while. Then it came back. Then I was radiated 39 times in as many days. Then my skin was burned. Now the cancer has been stable for a bit. And next week I go in for more tests. First you are OK. Then you are not. Then you are going to die. Then you are not. Whoops, maybe you will die again. Whoops, maybe you won't right away. Well let's just wait and see. All very confusing, and upsetting. Not to count expensive. Well, this may be Too Much Information (TMI) for the casual passerby, but for people who know me, it is germain, and tints my everyday conversations. I once worked a lifelong career as an engineer, and an Engineering Manager for a multinational. Nowadays, I broker antique wood for someone who controls most of my options. I get frustrated, and lash out at the page. On some level, I really don't care if these people know how I feel. It might even be a relief to get things out in the open. On the other hand, I do need the work and the money. So, these ever-present thoughts color my day. I have always liked to write, and find it immensely cathartic. Until now my thoughts have mostly been caged in 1's and 0's in my computer, or on the written page, or sent to an elect few in letters, and then later on in emails. I like this format, and more than likely, it will turn out that my close friends are the only ones who will look anyway. And, now I don't have to obsess over if they write back or not. It is just out there. That being said: I promise to myself to not be so cheerless or maudlin. I have hundreds of stories that have a happy ending. Many that will make you smirk. And some that even made me weep for the joy of it all. I have recently been following a fellow, originally from Iowa, (Verlyn Klinkenborg)who's writing style I admire. And, what a great name. No one could make that up and not have been off the planet. I don't want to take his place in any way. Just learn some simple lessons in clarity, and editing I suspect. He is a famous writer (in my mind) and I aspire for clarity. Reading his stuff helps, but is not as instructive as I would like. If any of you know him, give him a shout out. He may be casting in these waters one day. Well, I promised against maudlin, and for brevity, and have achieved neither of these. Maybe it is something you work your way into. By the way, I really wanted to win that lottery.