Full of Myself

Well, here I am again. Wife is out. Son who lives here gone. Just me and the small screen. I haven't been putting my thoughts down lately, because they are thoughts of anxiety and uncertainty. Not my normal self. Generally, I find humor in the juxtaposition of normal circumstances crossed with a chaos philosophy I seem to work within. I had some blood taken last Friday for cancer tests, and will know the results mid-morning Friday to come. It has been six months since my last go around with this, and my last results were not horrible, or comforting, as far as that goes. I have had some troubles associated with the last rounds of radiation, and fear the worst. I suppose this is a way to get that WOW what was I thinking feeling when the results all come back with low numbers. My dad says "Why worry". Sounds right, but doesn't seem to work for me. I brood. And, I suppose it serves me right, after all of those years of not paying any attention at all to my health. I really only became "Vincible" three years ago. It is relatively new thought for me. In my heart I know I will be fine, regardless of which way the test goes. The worry is not the twist your hands, self introspection, sort of brooding I see in others. More of a steam vessel concept. Set for ten lbs. and the pressure is 9.6 lbs. Small jolts seem to break the seal, and tiny bursts of steam escape without my permission. It seems like a stupid way of dealing with it when you think about it. Not so very productive in any way. Yet, here I am. I can't think of a worst way to deal with this. (With the possible exception of my friend Verne, who has this and just chooses to ignore it) I am an angry man it seems. That fellow who we all see, and think, Man what made that happen. It is totally arrogant on my part to have this attitude I suppose. I did not design this plan. I wasn't there when the foundations of the earth were laid. Who the heck gave me permission to have any thoughts on this in the first place. Shaking my fist at the sky is just pitiable. Writing it down does not help either. The truth is: I am glad I was born, and happy I got this far. I feel very fortunate to have had the life put before me. I suppose I could have acted better at times, but then I wouldn't know the depths of being sorry, or feeling foolish when I made really stupid mistakes. I truly have been blessed, and if I never get older, I certainly got more than I deserve. I have a few regrets, but am not fully prepared to make reparations, and will just have to count of the grace of my friends in these matters. Assuming the worst. If I get better, and win the lottery, then this will just be a moment of weakness and indecision. It only deserves posting because of the contrast to the glitter that truly has been the bulk of my life. I once had a man tell me that my promotion over him was just and right, and had nothing to do with being deserved. It was just part of my path. I don't know exactly what that means, but have thought on it at times when things went my way for no reasonable explanation. Just possibly I should use the light of that epiphany on this time as well.